Letter #14

Dear Tyler;

I don’t know why, but I am feeling really emotional tonight and I keep thinking about you.  I don’t know what is going on and the only thing I can do to try to deal with my feelings is to write you a letter.

I am very thankful that not only did we see you at Brexton’s birthday party, but we also saw you one week later on Easter—twice in eight days!

You don’t know how much it filled my heart to see you smile and laugh.   I enjoyed hearing you tell funny stories about your job.   

When we had to leave after the Easter fun was over, you got up from the couch and came to me and voluntarily gave me a hug without me even asking for one, I thought, “Wow, we are making progress and it feels a little bit like my son is coming back.”

I just wanted to tell you that it meant a lot to me to be around you.  The good times do a lot to help me feel like we might be able to have healing between us.  They also make me continue to miss you just as much as ever.

Stay well, safe, and happy.

Love,

Mom

Letter #13

Dear Tyler;

Neither your sister nor your sister-in-law knows how jealous I am that they both have talked to you this week.  I wish I could talk to you.  Some days are so hard because I miss you very much and can't stop thinking about you.  You are my boy and you will always occupy a big chunk of my heart.

The funny thing is that I miss your brother Jereme, too.  I see him about once a week or so, but there seems to be a part of him that is blocked from me, too.  I don't like knowing that a wedge comes between us because of problems that arise from being in business together.  I really wish I could be close to him, too.

Today, I just feel like I am missing both of my sons a lot.

I have been so worried about you ever since you told Kjersti you were going to go to a concert in Las Vegas last month instead of coming to Bridger’s birthday party.  I hoped so much that your probation officer would not give you permission to go.  Do you remember when Robbie told you he was going to Las Vegas for business shortly after he became your sponsor?  You said that it was the worst place for a recovering addict to go and you felt that he shouldn’t go.  I thought of you saying that and wished that I could have reminded you of it, even though it probably wouldn’t have made you change your mind. 

I know that you feel that you can handle yourself and that if you are currently trying to be sober you’ll think that nothing can sway you from that.  I hope that one day I can trust that you will be immovable in that way.  I just don’t know if you are there yet, or not.   

Yesterday, it was a relief just to know that Kjersti talked to you.

When she told me that you had to work and couldn’t come to Brexton’s birthday party, I was disappointed.  I really hoped that now that we can be around you in a group setting, we would be able to see you occasionally, but we have only seen you once for five minutes since Christmas.    

Today, Tassie told me about her conversation with you.  She told me what you said about your weekend Las Vegas trip and that you said going to the concert was great.  I am glad that you made it back safely and hope that you stayed away from the bad influences and pitfalls that Vegas has to offer while you were there. 

Tassie mentioned that you seemed happy and positive about your life in a way that she has never heard from you before.   She thought that it was awesome.  It sounded like you were still as optimistic about things as you were the last time we saw you. 

I want to be able to hear that again.

I sure wish our family could be close and have fun making memories together.  I guess anything is possible if we all just make the effort to try.  

Take care of yourself.  

Love,

Mom

P.S.

Tassie just called and informed me that you ARE coming to the party tomorrow!  I am not going to hold my breath that you really will, but I can’t help feeling butterflies about it.  I might get to see you, soon!

Letter #12

Dear Tyler;

Oh my gosh!

It was amazing to see you last night.

You seemed to be so genuinely happy.  I have not seen you like that for years!  I have seen you mildly happy.  I have seen you manic-happy.  I have seen you as angry as can be.  But, I haven’t seen you like this for so long that I hope it is real and lasting. 

When I asked you how everything was going, you seemed so optimistic about the things that were happening in your life.

Getting your GED in the next month—awesome!

Taking a welding course—fantastic!

When you said, “I am going to college, isn’t that so weird?”  I was more than happy to tell you that I thought it was great.   I hope it works out for you.

I have always wanted the best for you and now it seems like you might be striving for that for yourself.

I am very proud of you!

I wish you the best of good luck with everything that you are doing!

Love,

Mom

Letter #11

Dear Tyler;

You came for Christmas!

All day long I wondered if you would change your mind.

I know it was a hard decision for you.

I was so nervous about you coming.  I really wanted you to, but I was worried that someone would say or do something that would upset you and then the day would be ruined for all of us.    

It is just as hard for us to trust you as it is for you to trust us. 

But, I hoped that Robbie was right when he told me that you had changed and become more humble than he had ever seen you.  

I hoped this meant that you would someday want to be part of the family once more.  After all that has happened and all that we have gone through, I didn’t know if we would ever have the chance to be all together again.  When I saw you walk into the family room, I felt such a huge sense of completeness. 

I sure did feel awkward though.  I didn’t know what to say to you and was glad that other people were here to fill in the gaps.  The kids were so excited that you brought presents to them, especially Bridger and Jayden because they remember you more than Brexton and Carter do.  (It was pretty nice of me to help you look like a caring uncle, if I do say so myself).  When you were holding Brintley, it reminded me of how you used to be so great with Bridger when he was a baby. 

Thank you for being nice and easy going while you were here. 

You didn’t really say thanks or anything, but I think you were happy to get all of the clothes and food that I got for you.

When we took the family “selfie” and I had to lean in and put my arm on your shoulder, I could not believe that I was that close to you. 

I wish you could have stayed longer. 

I will never forget giving you a hug goodbye, telling you that I love you, and hearing you say “I love you, too.”  I was not expecting that, but it was a pretty good Christmas gift.    I cried after you left.  Then, Jereme gave me a big hug, too.  Double Christmas presents from my boys!

It was a good day. 

Thank you so much for coming.

I look forward to the next time that we can get together with you. 

I hope you do too.

Love,

Mom

Letter #10

Dear Tyler;

Dad and I have been working on amending the no-contact order ever since October in the hopes that this Christmas might be better for all of us – including you.

We will never give up on any member of the family and want you to be back in the fold with your siblings, niece, nephews, and in-laws.

Come and enjoy dinner and your Christmas gifts with everyone, even if you choose not to stay very long.  You are welcome to be here as long as you feel comfortable.

It is one step toward building a renewed relationship.

Love,

Mom

Letter #9

Dear Tyler;

At the first of September, I recognize an anniversary that no one else really even considers.  During your entire life, everyone has celebrated your birthday, but in my heart, I always have very tender feelings about the day that the social worker brought you to our home for the first time.

It was seven weeks after the day of your birth.  On the day that I met you and my heart and soul knew that you were my son and that I would love you for all time.

For the past few years, instead of quietly celebrating, I have silently suffered regret and remorse around the anniversary date.  It has been very difficult, knowing that nothing turned out like it should have.  The sweet, innocent, baby-turned child-turned youth wasn’t supposed to become hardened and hateful.  Last year ended up being one of the most difficult times to remember your arrival into our home and family because you and I had become estranged.  I wasn’t even talking to you anymore because of the way that you were behaving. 

You acted as if you were justified in treating me that way because of all of the terrible things that you seem to think you have had to deal with having me as your mother.  But, I know that for me, I feel like I did nothing but try and try and try to do the best for you that I could all of your life.  Even if I made mistakes, there could be no justification for the name-calling and verbal attacks that you repeatedly were directing at me.  It hurt to hear the things that you said and it also hurt (more than I can describe) to cut myself off from you.  I wonder if you felt bad that you couldn’t have a relationship with your mother.  Or maybe you just got angrier and angrier because I wasn’t going to be available to rescue you when you needed a ride, or food, or money.  It had been a long time since our relationship was anything more than that, anyway.      

Then, this year’s anniversary ranked as the most difficult one of all, so far.  We are not only still estranged, but we are court-ordered to have no contact.  It has been over one year since I have had any kind of decent interaction or conversation with you.  Do you even realize how much that weighs on my mind?  I miss the Tyler that lies buried deep inside you.  I worry about you constantly and think about you every single day.  I go over the last 19 years and try to figure out how I could have done things differently in order to prevent the mistakes that have been made.  I have a lot of regrets and wonder if I had known how to deal with the difficulties that we had, if I could have stopped you from choosing to go down the road that you did.  What could I have done to help you not take that first step?   I want to think about all of the good times and the happy memories, but all I can see in my mind is the last interaction with you where you were so out of your mind with anger. 

I never intended for you to have to go to jail.  Neither did your dad.  We just thought we needed help to get you to calm down and leave the house. 

Over a month later, when I saw you in orange prison scrubs standing in a court room with handcuffs on, I thought my heart would break.  Then, a couple of months later, when I ran into you in the foyer of the courthouse, I could tell that you were seething with anger at me.

I hate those images. 

    

In August, we were distraught when you called Kjersti and told her that you were going to be going to jail again.  Then, she heard nothing from you and you didn’t answer any of her calls or texts.   She looked online and found that a person with your name did have a warrant out for their arrest and based on your phone call, she assumed it was you.  When she told me about it, I had a meltdown and cried and cried because I just wanted you to give yourself a break and do things that would benefit you instead of making more and more mistakes to drag yourself down.  I didn’t want you to have to be in jail again.  I wanted you to use the opportunities that had been given to you to make something of yourself and improve your life, not throw them all away. 

You may think that all of the counseling that you were ordered to get is stupid and a hardship and a waste of time.  But, to us—it was a lot better than just making you pay a fine.  You haven’t benefited from paying fines.  We hoped that having to use the money to learn how to handle your anger, to learn to stay away from substance abuse, and to learn how to get along in society and in relationships would help you, not hurt you.  But, it seems like you just look at everything that was meant to help you as a unjust punishment.  

Thankfully, the warrant wasn’t for you and you were able to work things out with your P/O about missing the appointment for your drug test (which is why you were so sure you were going back to jail).   It was a relief when Kjersti finally heard back from you about all of that.  I am glad that you feel that you can turn to her when you are upset, but I wish that you would control your tendency to think that the world is ending without trying to find a solution to the problem, first.

I hope that you learn how to become the best person that you can be sooner than later because I want you to come back to the family.  In the long run, your family is all that you have and we are all tired of being pushed away and feeling like we have no choice, but to stay away.

Maybe next September, the anniversary date will be one that brings joy instead of sadness.

Love,

Mom

Letter #8

Dear Tyler;

We were at church and someone was having their baby blessed.   One of the guests looked so much like you that it was kind of weird.  It made me think of how in a few weeks, we will be at another baby blessing—this time for your new niece.   I want you to be there so much.  I also really want YOU to want to be there. 

She is your first niece and she is so cute. 

I know that if you would let yourself break down your walls, you would just love her.   It feels like she has been a member of our family all along.  But our family is not complete without you.

You are missing out on so much by not being around to see your nephews (and now your niece) grow up.  Bridger used to talk about you a lot.  He even marked your birthday on the calendar as he was marking everyone else’s birthday and then every time he came over he would ask, “Who’s birthday is this?”  When I told him which one was yours, he asked what we were going to do for your birthday and I just had to say that I didn’t know.

As time keeps going by, though he asks about you less and less.  I know he won’t forget you, but he might feel deep down that you have abandoned him.  He truly loves you and I know he misses you.

He is going to be starting kindergarten next week.  He met his teacher today and told her that the thing that he wants to learn in kindergarten is “how to read books.”   Can you even imagine what it would be like to have him read to you?  He already sounds out words and tries to write them.    Once he colored a picture for us and wrote on it:  To grama kerin, oso to ppa kevn.  (oso mean also).  Isn’t it amazing that he can already do that?

He would probably make a picture like that for you if you were here.  Sometimes he goes downstairs to see if the spider man picture that he colored for you is still hanging on your closet door. 

Your dad and I were talking about you and wondering if you ever thought about being a part of our family again.  He said, “Maybe he really doesn’t want to be, anymore.”

That would be so sad.   Even though your goal to move out when you turned 18 didn’t really turn out like you thought it would does not mean that everything that has happened in the last several years has to make the circumstances of today permanent.  We want you back.

Last week when we heard that you might be homeless again, we thought to ourselves, “If he would just show some change and make progress, he wouldn’t have to be homeless.”   If we could see that you were positively handling the situations that you find yourself in and if we could see that you still weren’t blaming us and everyone else for everything that happens to you—then we would be more than willing to work toward a reconciliation so that if you needed a place to live, we would feel comfortable having you move back in.

But, there is no way that we can even consider that as long as there is the real possibility that you would be as abusive, unreasonable, and mean as you were the last time you were here.  We can’t let you treat us like that again.  It is just too hard to cope with.  No mom should be called the things that you have called me.  No dad should have his son threaten to kill him.

I know if you read this, you would say, “I wouldn’t have done any of those things….if YOU had just done this…or if YOU had not done that.”  And that thinking is why we can’t bring you back home—because you blame your behavior on us and that is not right.

I don’t understand what you are blaming your brother for, though.  He hasn’t done anything to alienate you.  Yeah, you are probably mad at Tassie because she cut you off after two weeks trying to help you get things straightened out.  She really wanted to keep helping you, but she just couldn’t take how unreasonable and rude you were being with her.  

Even if you are angry about that, it shouldn't have anything to do with the Jereme's announcement of his baby's birth to you.  He was so proud and so happy and your refusal to even say “congrats” put a little bit of a damper on it.

Your siblings would be more than willing to have a relationship with you if you started to treat them like friends that you treasure instead of people whose only purpose is to solve your problems and fix whatever is going wrong for you.   Kjersti never hears from you unless something isn’t going right for you.  She has even asked you to talk to her weekly about life in general just so that she will know that you are okay and can share in things that happen to you that are good, too.  But, even if she tries to make contact with you, she doesn't get any response unless you have a need that you think she can help you with.

You could take a big step in the right direction if you got past yourself and started thinking about things that you could do to be a part of their lives and show them that you care about them. 

It would give me hope that someday that could happen between you and me and your dad.

Right now, I am really worried about you.  No one has heard from you since you called and said that you were homeless and that now there was no point to anything again.   I worry about you all of the time, but I worry a little bit less when I at least know you have a place to stay.

Your dad and I pray for you every day.  We are praying that you are safe and doing the things that you need to do to have success in your job, your probation, your sobriety, and your future.

Take care of yourself.   

Love,

Mom