Letter # 4

Dear Tyler;

Some of your friends graduated from high school a couple of weeks ago.  I couldn’t help feeling just like I did last year when you should have graduated.  I was jealous of the ones who graduated and their families then, and I am still feeling the same way now. 

Maybe, now that they all have graduated, I can stop wishing that you had been able to do that too.  I really wanted that for you.   When you were five, excitedly entering kindergarten, I never imagined that my little boy wasn’t going to graduate from high school.  As the years went by, I looked forward to that day for you most of all because it would have been such an epic event.  Out of everyone that I have known, YOU would have been the one who had to work extra hard to make it and it would have been one of your greatest accomplishments.

And, if you had done that, I believe that it would have meant that you were continuing to do everything that you could to maintain your sobriety and you would have been moving forward toward a positive future.

Now the future has begun for Bridger.  A few days ago, he graduated from preschool.  It was emotional to watch him because he is growing up so fast and it doesn’t seem like he should be five years old already.  I felt the same way when you started kindergarten.  As my last child, I especially wanted you to stay little for awhile longer, too.     

You should have seen his graduation.  They put on a program where they sang some Broadway songs like, Singing in the Rain, and New York, New York.   It was so cute.  Then, the teachers gave each student an award.  Bridger got the “Greatest Thinker Award.”  They said he loves to figure out how to do things by himself.  It is true.  He puts together electrical circuits from some kits that Jereme buys for him.  He is truly amazing at it.  He can even put Lego sets together by himself that are meant for eight years old and above.   

He would have loved to have you at his graduation.  Trevor was there because we were watching him for a few days.  Bridger was so excited to have him come that he told his teachers and everyone at school that his “friend” Trevor was coming to the program.   I can’t imagine how over the moon he would have been if you had been coming.   He probably would have talked about it for days and days because he loves you so much.   We would have taken a picture of you two, together to commemorate the day and his love for his Uncle Tyler.

It was a happy night for all of us, celebrating this milestone in Bridger’s life.    

I hope, one day, we can all celebrate your achievements again, too.

Love,

Mom 

Letter #3

Dear Tyler;

We went to Camelot for Memorial Day.  Every member of our family was there—your siblings, their spouses, all four grandsons—except you.  I think you would have had fun, if you had been able to come.  Your nephews would have loved having you there.  They think you are awesome and you are so good with them when you are around them.  The two oldest ones have the most memories of you. They would have loved to play with you there and have you pass on the traditions of fun that were made when you were little. 

We have been going to Camelot all summer long ever since you were a baby.  I can still remember a picture of you taking a bath in the sink at Grandpa’s cabin when you were about 9 months old.  You loved it.

It was always fun for you when we went to Camelot when you were young.  You liked everything about it—playing in the river, tubing, fishing, catching snakes, riding ATV’s, playing on the slip ‘n slide, climbing the mountain, watching Sponge Bob in the cabin, shooting marshmallow guns, roasting hot dogs, and then burning a whole bag of marshmallows—one at a time, boating, going to the Green River to go rafting, and especially playing with your best friend and playmate, your big sister.

I think when she got older and couldn’t go to Camelot with us every time, you stopped liking it as much because it wasn’t the same without her. 

Soon after that you pulled away, got angry all the time, and started with the marijuana and everything else.    

Even knowing that we had to beg you and bribe you to get you to come to Camelot with us as you got older, I am glad that we did—just because now you can’t come and I wish you could.  At least we can remember those days when you were a laughing happy kid there.  There isn’t anything more important in life than family and we really have had some good family times at Camelot.  I hope someday you will come to that realization and maybe we can start making some new memories together.

As we were driving away at the end of our Memorial Day weekend, your dad said, “It was a really good weekend and would have even been greater, if we could have had a nice, happy Tyler with us.”  He missed you.

Every time we go there this summer, I’ll be thinking about you and missing you, too.

Love,

Mom