Letter #8

Dear Tyler;

We were at church and someone was having their baby blessed.   One of the guests looked so much like you that it was kind of weird.  It made me think of how in a few weeks, we will be at another baby blessing—this time for your new niece.   I want you to be there so much.  I also really want YOU to want to be there. 

She is your first niece and she is so cute. 

I know that if you would let yourself break down your walls, you would just love her.   It feels like she has been a member of our family all along.  But our family is not complete without you.

You are missing out on so much by not being around to see your nephews (and now your niece) grow up.  Bridger used to talk about you a lot.  He even marked your birthday on the calendar as he was marking everyone else’s birthday and then every time he came over he would ask, “Who’s birthday is this?”  When I told him which one was yours, he asked what we were going to do for your birthday and I just had to say that I didn’t know.

As time keeps going by, though he asks about you less and less.  I know he won’t forget you, but he might feel deep down that you have abandoned him.  He truly loves you and I know he misses you.

He is going to be starting kindergarten next week.  He met his teacher today and told her that the thing that he wants to learn in kindergarten is “how to read books.”   Can you even imagine what it would be like to have him read to you?  He already sounds out words and tries to write them.    Once he colored a picture for us and wrote on it:  To grama kerin, oso to ppa kevn.  (oso mean also).  Isn’t it amazing that he can already do that?

He would probably make a picture like that for you if you were here.  Sometimes he goes downstairs to see if the spider man picture that he colored for you is still hanging on your closet door. 

Your dad and I were talking about you and wondering if you ever thought about being a part of our family again.  He said, “Maybe he really doesn’t want to be, anymore.”

That would be so sad.   Even though your goal to move out when you turned 18 didn’t really turn out like you thought it would does not mean that everything that has happened in the last several years has to make the circumstances of today permanent.  We want you back.

Last week when we heard that you might be homeless again, we thought to ourselves, “If he would just show some change and make progress, he wouldn’t have to be homeless.”   If we could see that you were positively handling the situations that you find yourself in and if we could see that you still weren’t blaming us and everyone else for everything that happens to you—then we would be more than willing to work toward a reconciliation so that if you needed a place to live, we would feel comfortable having you move back in.

But, there is no way that we can even consider that as long as there is the real possibility that you would be as abusive, unreasonable, and mean as you were the last time you were here.  We can’t let you treat us like that again.  It is just too hard to cope with.  No mom should be called the things that you have called me.  No dad should have his son threaten to kill him.

I know if you read this, you would say, “I wouldn’t have done any of those things….if YOU had just done this…or if YOU had not done that.”  And that thinking is why we can’t bring you back home—because you blame your behavior on us and that is not right.

I don’t understand what you are blaming your brother for, though.  He hasn’t done anything to alienate you.  Yeah, you are probably mad at Tassie because she cut you off after two weeks trying to help you get things straightened out.  She really wanted to keep helping you, but she just couldn’t take how unreasonable and rude you were being with her.  

Even if you are angry about that, it shouldn't have anything to do with the Jereme's announcement of his baby's birth to you.  He was so proud and so happy and your refusal to even say “congrats” put a little bit of a damper on it.

Your siblings would be more than willing to have a relationship with you if you started to treat them like friends that you treasure instead of people whose only purpose is to solve your problems and fix whatever is going wrong for you.   Kjersti never hears from you unless something isn’t going right for you.  She has even asked you to talk to her weekly about life in general just so that she will know that you are okay and can share in things that happen to you that are good, too.  But, even if she tries to make contact with you, she doesn't get any response unless you have a need that you think she can help you with.

You could take a big step in the right direction if you got past yourself and started thinking about things that you could do to be a part of their lives and show them that you care about them. 

It would give me hope that someday that could happen between you and me and your dad.

Right now, I am really worried about you.  No one has heard from you since you called and said that you were homeless and that now there was no point to anything again.   I worry about you all of the time, but I worry a little bit less when I at least know you have a place to stay.

Your dad and I pray for you every day.  We are praying that you are safe and doing the things that you need to do to have success in your job, your probation, your sobriety, and your future.

Take care of yourself.   

Love,

Mom

Letter #7

Dear Tyler;

It is your 19^th birthday.    

Last year, I felt really bad on your birthday because even though I got to talk to you for a minute, you had better things to do than go out to dinner with me and your dad.  It is worse this year, because now we can’t even talk to you at all.

I have been thinking about you a lot as I have wondered what to do for you.

The plan is that we will give you a new backpack with straps for your skateboard, some new shirts, some new shoes, and gift cards to Little Caesars, Burger King, and McDonald’s.  Then, we will leave them in the jeep and hope that you will be able to receive a message from Kjersti about their location.

Your dad says he is planning on writing a letter to you, to leave with your gifts.

I seem to have a much easier time writing a letter to you that I know you are never going to read.  I can say things to you in these letters that I would never dare say to you, personally.   I am still at the point where I feel like you don’t care one way or the other about what I have to say and that you think everything I say is a lie, anyway.  Sorry to say, but these feelings come from many years of having words like that spewed at me out of your mouth. 

It is hard to believe that you are 19 years old.  I wish time hadn’t gone by so fast and that you were still a little boy.  Maybe if I knew then, what I know now, I could have done something differently than I did, which might have influenced you to make better choices.  But, I will never know, I guess.   Or, maybe your oppositional defiant nature may have overruled anything that I did, no matter what it was. 

I know that I would have changed my opinion and actions about school if I had to do it over again.  You are so smart and have so much ability to achieve true greatness, that I pushed you harder and wanted you to perform more than your motivational skills were prepared for.   When I perceived that you weren’t trying and weren’t willing to go the extra mile, I came down too hard on you and yelled at you too much.  I admit that and I regret it.  I do feel though, that I can’t be blamed for wanting you to prove to your teachers and the world that you are extremely intelligent and capable of achieving anything that you set your mind to.

I still believe those things about you and always will desire that you find a way to see that in yourself and then work to find out what your dreams and goals are.  I want to be there to see you recognize the true greatness that is waiting to manifest itself in you.

From the day that you first arrived in our home, I loved you with all of my heart and soul.  I devoted my entire being to make sure that you were taken care of and given numerous opportunities to try new things—from soccer to bowling to chess club.  I wanted you to be happy and to be able to have many interests to keep you occupied.  I don’t know what you think about how I used to drive you and your friends to skate parks and then sit there and wait for two or three hours for you, but I liked doing it and I liked that I could take you to do something that you enjoyed doing.  I wanted your friends to think that you had a cool mom so that maybe you would think so, too.

I wished I had known how to handle your oppositional defiance better, so that when you just absolutely refused to do something, I could have dealt with it better than I did.  You might be learning this now that you are in the workforce--that when you need someone to do something and they absolutely refuse to do it, it is very frustrating.  I didn’t want to be a frustrated, demanding, yelling mom and I am so sorry that I turned into one when I was pushed past the point of knowing what to do to get you to cooperate.

I always hoped that the time I spent with you when we read all of those many, many books together would have helped to overshadow the bad times.  I loved reading to you and loved being able to spend hours and hours every week with you.  I thought that you liked it, too.  Maybe there aren’t too many moms that actually read all of the Harry Potter books, the Eragon books, and the Animorphs books with their child like I did.   Possibly, deep down you have good memories of those times.

I look at pictures of you and remember all of the things that we did to try to have fun together as a family and regret the fact that we haven’t had that at all in the last few years.  Remember when we went to Mexico and there was a crab in the swimming pool?  That always makes me laugh.  Then, more recently, we went to Zions Canyon and gave you that new camera and saw you learn to take pictures and watched you see the world through new eyes. I thought you had discovered a new way to see the world from that point on and I was so proud of you.  Then, when you and I went to Bryce Canyon for your birthday and I saw adventure and joy in your manner as you hiked around and experienced the beauty of the area through the camera lens, I thought we were moving toward a great future for you.  As you and I brainstormed late into the night about the possibilities that could have been available to you with a career in photography, I was so excited that you wanted to do all of those amazing things.  I loved that you wanted to help other kids not make the same mistakes that you knew you had made and that you wanted to make a difference in the world. 

I will treasure those days that I had with you more than you will ever know and I tear up in my eyes and mind when I think about it.

I wish life could have continued in that direction for you.  I wish we would have had a chance to make some of those plans come to life.

But,right after that mother/son road trip, the beginning of the school year drew near with the conflicts and pressures that come with it.  Soon, you were right back to where you had been the year before at the beginning of the school year— uncooperative, angry, and unwilling to keep up with aiming for the positive like you had been just a few weeks before.

Now it is four years later and even though school isn’t the issue that comes between us, something else is.  You never have gotten over being angry and mad at us and the anger has just seemed to grow and grow. 

I don’t know when it will happen, but I hope someday, you will stop being mad at us for everything that has ever happened to you and that you will remember and feel the love that we have always had for you and will always have for  you.

I don’t know what you will be doing this year on your birthday, but I hope you can find some true enjoyment in the day and will somehow feel deep within you that your parents and your family members love you very much and want to wish you a Happy Birthday.

Love, 

Mom