Letter #8

Dear Tyler;

We were at church and someone was having their baby blessed.   One of the guests looked so much like you that it was kind of weird.  It made me think of how in a few weeks, we will be at another baby blessing—this time for your new niece.   I want you to be there so much.  I also really want YOU to want to be there. 

She is your first niece and she is so cute. 

I know that if you would let yourself break down your walls, you would just love her.   It feels like she has been a member of our family all along.  But our family is not complete without you.

You are missing out on so much by not being around to see your nephews (and now your niece) grow up.  Bridger used to talk about you a lot.  He even marked your birthday on the calendar as he was marking everyone else’s birthday and then every time he came over he would ask, “Who’s birthday is this?”  When I told him which one was yours, he asked what we were going to do for your birthday and I just had to say that I didn’t know.

As time keeps going by, though he asks about you less and less.  I know he won’t forget you, but he might feel deep down that you have abandoned him.  He truly loves you and I know he misses you.

He is going to be starting kindergarten next week.  He met his teacher today and told her that the thing that he wants to learn in kindergarten is “how to read books.”   Can you even imagine what it would be like to have him read to you?  He already sounds out words and tries to write them.    Once he colored a picture for us and wrote on it:  To grama kerin, oso to ppa kevn.  (oso mean also).  Isn’t it amazing that he can already do that?

He would probably make a picture like that for you if you were here.  Sometimes he goes downstairs to see if the spider man picture that he colored for you is still hanging on your closet door. 

Your dad and I were talking about you and wondering if you ever thought about being a part of our family again.  He said, “Maybe he really doesn’t want to be, anymore.”

That would be so sad.   Even though your goal to move out when you turned 18 didn’t really turn out like you thought it would does not mean that everything that has happened in the last several years has to make the circumstances of today permanent.  We want you back.

Last week when we heard that you might be homeless again, we thought to ourselves, “If he would just show some change and make progress, he wouldn’t have to be homeless.”   If we could see that you were positively handling the situations that you find yourself in and if we could see that you still weren’t blaming us and everyone else for everything that happens to you—then we would be more than willing to work toward a reconciliation so that if you needed a place to live, we would feel comfortable having you move back in.

But, there is no way that we can even consider that as long as there is the real possibility that you would be as abusive, unreasonable, and mean as you were the last time you were here.  We can’t let you treat us like that again.  It is just too hard to cope with.  No mom should be called the things that you have called me.  No dad should have his son threaten to kill him.

I know if you read this, you would say, “I wouldn’t have done any of those things….if YOU had just done this…or if YOU had not done that.”  And that thinking is why we can’t bring you back home—because you blame your behavior on us and that is not right.

I don’t understand what you are blaming your brother for, though.  He hasn’t done anything to alienate you.  Yeah, you are probably mad at Tassie because she cut you off after two weeks trying to help you get things straightened out.  She really wanted to keep helping you, but she just couldn’t take how unreasonable and rude you were being with her.  

Even if you are angry about that, it shouldn't have anything to do with the Jereme's announcement of his baby's birth to you.  He was so proud and so happy and your refusal to even say “congrats” put a little bit of a damper on it.

Your siblings would be more than willing to have a relationship with you if you started to treat them like friends that you treasure instead of people whose only purpose is to solve your problems and fix whatever is going wrong for you.   Kjersti never hears from you unless something isn’t going right for you.  She has even asked you to talk to her weekly about life in general just so that she will know that you are okay and can share in things that happen to you that are good, too.  But, even if she tries to make contact with you, she doesn't get any response unless you have a need that you think she can help you with.

You could take a big step in the right direction if you got past yourself and started thinking about things that you could do to be a part of their lives and show them that you care about them. 

It would give me hope that someday that could happen between you and me and your dad.

Right now, I am really worried about you.  No one has heard from you since you called and said that you were homeless and that now there was no point to anything again.   I worry about you all of the time, but I worry a little bit less when I at least know you have a place to stay.

Your dad and I pray for you every day.  We are praying that you are safe and doing the things that you need to do to have success in your job, your probation, your sobriety, and your future.

Take care of yourself.   

Love,

Mom