Letter #9

Dear Tyler;

At the first of September, I recognize an anniversary that no one else really even considers.  During your entire life, everyone has celebrated your birthday, but in my heart, I always have very tender feelings about the day that the social worker brought you to our home for the first time.

It was seven weeks after the day of your birth.  On the day that I met you and my heart and soul knew that you were my son and that I would love you for all time.

For the past few years, instead of quietly celebrating, I have silently suffered regret and remorse around the anniversary date.  It has been very difficult, knowing that nothing turned out like it should have.  The sweet, innocent, baby-turned child-turned youth wasn’t supposed to become hardened and hateful.  Last year ended up being one of the most difficult times to remember your arrival into our home and family because you and I had become estranged.  I wasn’t even talking to you anymore because of the way that you were behaving. 

You acted as if you were justified in treating me that way because of all of the terrible things that you seem to think you have had to deal with having me as your mother.  But, I know that for me, I feel like I did nothing but try and try and try to do the best for you that I could all of your life.  Even if I made mistakes, there could be no justification for the name-calling and verbal attacks that you repeatedly were directing at me.  It hurt to hear the things that you said and it also hurt (more than I can describe) to cut myself off from you.  I wonder if you felt bad that you couldn’t have a relationship with your mother.  Or maybe you just got angrier and angrier because I wasn’t going to be available to rescue you when you needed a ride, or food, or money.  It had been a long time since our relationship was anything more than that, anyway.      

Then, this year’s anniversary ranked as the most difficult one of all, so far.  We are not only still estranged, but we are court-ordered to have no contact.  It has been over one year since I have had any kind of decent interaction or conversation with you.  Do you even realize how much that weighs on my mind?  I miss the Tyler that lies buried deep inside you.  I worry about you constantly and think about you every single day.  I go over the last 19 years and try to figure out how I could have done things differently in order to prevent the mistakes that have been made.  I have a lot of regrets and wonder if I had known how to deal with the difficulties that we had, if I could have stopped you from choosing to go down the road that you did.  What could I have done to help you not take that first step?   I want to think about all of the good times and the happy memories, but all I can see in my mind is the last interaction with you where you were so out of your mind with anger. 

I never intended for you to have to go to jail.  Neither did your dad.  We just thought we needed help to get you to calm down and leave the house. 

Over a month later, when I saw you in orange prison scrubs standing in a court room with handcuffs on, I thought my heart would break.  Then, a couple of months later, when I ran into you in the foyer of the courthouse, I could tell that you were seething with anger at me.

I hate those images. 

    

In August, we were distraught when you called Kjersti and told her that you were going to be going to jail again.  Then, she heard nothing from you and you didn’t answer any of her calls or texts.   She looked online and found that a person with your name did have a warrant out for their arrest and based on your phone call, she assumed it was you.  When she told me about it, I had a meltdown and cried and cried because I just wanted you to give yourself a break and do things that would benefit you instead of making more and more mistakes to drag yourself down.  I didn’t want you to have to be in jail again.  I wanted you to use the opportunities that had been given to you to make something of yourself and improve your life, not throw them all away. 

You may think that all of the counseling that you were ordered to get is stupid and a hardship and a waste of time.  But, to us—it was a lot better than just making you pay a fine.  You haven’t benefited from paying fines.  We hoped that having to use the money to learn how to handle your anger, to learn to stay away from substance abuse, and to learn how to get along in society and in relationships would help you, not hurt you.  But, it seems like you just look at everything that was meant to help you as a unjust punishment.  

Thankfully, the warrant wasn’t for you and you were able to work things out with your P/O about missing the appointment for your drug test (which is why you were so sure you were going back to jail).   It was a relief when Kjersti finally heard back from you about all of that.  I am glad that you feel that you can turn to her when you are upset, but I wish that you would control your tendency to think that the world is ending without trying to find a solution to the problem, first.

I hope that you learn how to become the best person that you can be sooner than later because I want you to come back to the family.  In the long run, your family is all that you have and we are all tired of being pushed away and feeling like we have no choice, but to stay away.

Maybe next September, the anniversary date will be one that brings joy instead of sadness.

Love,

Mom