Letter #2

Dear Tyler;

A couple of days ago, I read an obituary that some parents posted about their son who died of a drug overdose.  The parents said, “We loved our son with all of our hearts, but we now know that it was not enough to shield him from the world.” 

I, too, love you with all of my heart, and yet I feel like the love that I have for you, is not enough to shield you from yourself as well as the influences of the world.   

The obituary made me decide to start writing letters to you because you are estranged from me and I just can’t bear the thought that one day, I might be in the same position as those parents and I will have to live with the fact that you don’t believe that I love you, care about you with every fiber of my being, and won’t know that my heart is broken because you are not in my life right now. 

In the obituary, the parents said, “The worry that we have felt watching our son struggle has been replaced by a deep feeling of loss that now exists, knowing we will never see his smiling face again.  Despite these troubles, we can smile knowing that the last communication we had with our son was a text and answer between mother and son to say, “I love you,” just as it should be.” 

I have felt a similar loss with you and I have seriously grieved over it. 

They got to tell their son that they loved him, but I can’t even text those words to you, right now.  I have no idea when I will ever be able to say that to you, again.

The obituary hit me hard because you threaten suicide all the time and I don't know if it will be an act that you go through with purposely or through an overdose.  I live in fear of the day that I might hear that terrible news.   Not one member of our family will be able to cope with losing you like that.  

We all feel as if we have already lost you, in a way, and have regrets and sadness because of it. None of us knows what it will take to have you come back.

The obituary ended with, “To all children, this note is a simple reminder that there are people who love you with everything they have and no matter what you do, don’t be too afraid/ashamed/scared, or  too anything, to ask for help.”

I wish you could believe it when your siblings or their spouses, your sponsor, your attorney, or even your probation officer tell you how much we care about you.   I hope a day comes when I can tell you myself and that you will believe it.  I can almost picture us hugging and crying and letting the past wash away through our tears.   Almost.

Just as it said in the obituary, everyone in our family would be willing to help you if you would let them and if you showed appreciation for their help.   

Please fight the things that drag you down.  Please work to rise above the negativty.   

And please come back to us.

Love,

Mom