Letter #8

Dear Tyler;

We were at church and someone was having their baby blessed.   One of the guests looked so much like you that it was kind of weird.  It made me think of how in a few weeks, we will be at another baby blessing—this time for your new niece.   I want you to be there so much.  I also really want YOU to want to be there. 

She is your first niece and she is so cute. 

I know that if you would let yourself break down your walls, you would just love her.   It feels like she has been a member of our family all along.  But our family is not complete without you.

You are missing out on so much by not being around to see your nephews (and now your niece) grow up.  Bridger used to talk about you a lot.  He even marked your birthday on the calendar as he was marking everyone else’s birthday and then every time he came over he would ask, “Who’s birthday is this?”  When I told him which one was yours, he asked what we were going to do for your birthday and I just had to say that I didn’t know.

As time keeps going by, though he asks about you less and less.  I know he won’t forget you, but he might feel deep down that you have abandoned him.  He truly loves you and I know he misses you.

He is going to be starting kindergarten next week.  He met his teacher today and told her that the thing that he wants to learn in kindergarten is “how to read books.”   Can you even imagine what it would be like to have him read to you?  He already sounds out words and tries to write them.    Once he colored a picture for us and wrote on it:  To grama kerin, oso to ppa kevn.  (oso mean also).  Isn’t it amazing that he can already do that?

He would probably make a picture like that for you if you were here.  Sometimes he goes downstairs to see if the spider man picture that he colored for you is still hanging on your closet door. 

Your dad and I were talking about you and wondering if you ever thought about being a part of our family again.  He said, “Maybe he really doesn’t want to be, anymore.”

That would be so sad.   Even though your goal to move out when you turned 18 didn’t really turn out like you thought it would does not mean that everything that has happened in the last several years has to make the circumstances of today permanent.  We want you back.

Last week when we heard that you might be homeless again, we thought to ourselves, “If he would just show some change and make progress, he wouldn’t have to be homeless.”   If we could see that you were positively handling the situations that you find yourself in and if we could see that you still weren’t blaming us and everyone else for everything that happens to you—then we would be more than willing to work toward a reconciliation so that if you needed a place to live, we would feel comfortable having you move back in.

But, there is no way that we can even consider that as long as there is the real possibility that you would be as abusive, unreasonable, and mean as you were the last time you were here.  We can’t let you treat us like that again.  It is just too hard to cope with.  No mom should be called the things that you have called me.  No dad should have his son threaten to kill him.

I know if you read this, you would say, “I wouldn’t have done any of those things….if YOU had just done this…or if YOU had not done that.”  And that thinking is why we can’t bring you back home—because you blame your behavior on us and that is not right.

I don’t understand what you are blaming your brother for, though.  He hasn’t done anything to alienate you.  Yeah, you are probably mad at Tassie because she cut you off after two weeks trying to help you get things straightened out.  She really wanted to keep helping you, but she just couldn’t take how unreasonable and rude you were being with her.  

Even if you are angry about that, it shouldn't have anything to do with the Jereme's announcement of his baby's birth to you.  He was so proud and so happy and your refusal to even say “congrats” put a little bit of a damper on it.

Your siblings would be more than willing to have a relationship with you if you started to treat them like friends that you treasure instead of people whose only purpose is to solve your problems and fix whatever is going wrong for you.   Kjersti never hears from you unless something isn’t going right for you.  She has even asked you to talk to her weekly about life in general just so that she will know that you are okay and can share in things that happen to you that are good, too.  But, even if she tries to make contact with you, she doesn't get any response unless you have a need that you think she can help you with.

You could take a big step in the right direction if you got past yourself and started thinking about things that you could do to be a part of their lives and show them that you care about them. 

It would give me hope that someday that could happen between you and me and your dad.

Right now, I am really worried about you.  No one has heard from you since you called and said that you were homeless and that now there was no point to anything again.   I worry about you all of the time, but I worry a little bit less when I at least know you have a place to stay.

Your dad and I pray for you every day.  We are praying that you are safe and doing the things that you need to do to have success in your job, your probation, your sobriety, and your future.

Take care of yourself.   

Love,

Mom

Letter #7

Dear Tyler;

It is your 19^th birthday.    

Last year, I felt really bad on your birthday because even though I got to talk to you for a minute, you had better things to do than go out to dinner with me and your dad.  It is worse this year, because now we can’t even talk to you at all.

I have been thinking about you a lot as I have wondered what to do for you.

The plan is that we will give you a new backpack with straps for your skateboard, some new shirts, some new shoes, and gift cards to Little Caesars, Burger King, and McDonald’s.  Then, we will leave them in the jeep and hope that you will be able to receive a message from Kjersti about their location.

Your dad says he is planning on writing a letter to you, to leave with your gifts.

I seem to have a much easier time writing a letter to you that I know you are never going to read.  I can say things to you in these letters that I would never dare say to you, personally.   I am still at the point where I feel like you don’t care one way or the other about what I have to say and that you think everything I say is a lie, anyway.  Sorry to say, but these feelings come from many years of having words like that spewed at me out of your mouth. 

It is hard to believe that you are 19 years old.  I wish time hadn’t gone by so fast and that you were still a little boy.  Maybe if I knew then, what I know now, I could have done something differently than I did, which might have influenced you to make better choices.  But, I will never know, I guess.   Or, maybe your oppositional defiant nature may have overruled anything that I did, no matter what it was. 

I know that I would have changed my opinion and actions about school if I had to do it over again.  You are so smart and have so much ability to achieve true greatness, that I pushed you harder and wanted you to perform more than your motivational skills were prepared for.   When I perceived that you weren’t trying and weren’t willing to go the extra mile, I came down too hard on you and yelled at you too much.  I admit that and I regret it.  I do feel though, that I can’t be blamed for wanting you to prove to your teachers and the world that you are extremely intelligent and capable of achieving anything that you set your mind to.

I still believe those things about you and always will desire that you find a way to see that in yourself and then work to find out what your dreams and goals are.  I want to be there to see you recognize the true greatness that is waiting to manifest itself in you.

From the day that you first arrived in our home, I loved you with all of my heart and soul.  I devoted my entire being to make sure that you were taken care of and given numerous opportunities to try new things—from soccer to bowling to chess club.  I wanted you to be happy and to be able to have many interests to keep you occupied.  I don’t know what you think about how I used to drive you and your friends to skate parks and then sit there and wait for two or three hours for you, but I liked doing it and I liked that I could take you to do something that you enjoyed doing.  I wanted your friends to think that you had a cool mom so that maybe you would think so, too.

I wished I had known how to handle your oppositional defiance better, so that when you just absolutely refused to do something, I could have dealt with it better than I did.  You might be learning this now that you are in the workforce--that when you need someone to do something and they absolutely refuse to do it, it is very frustrating.  I didn’t want to be a frustrated, demanding, yelling mom and I am so sorry that I turned into one when I was pushed past the point of knowing what to do to get you to cooperate.

I always hoped that the time I spent with you when we read all of those many, many books together would have helped to overshadow the bad times.  I loved reading to you and loved being able to spend hours and hours every week with you.  I thought that you liked it, too.  Maybe there aren’t too many moms that actually read all of the Harry Potter books, the Eragon books, and the Animorphs books with their child like I did.   Possibly, deep down you have good memories of those times.

I look at pictures of you and remember all of the things that we did to try to have fun together as a family and regret the fact that we haven’t had that at all in the last few years.  Remember when we went to Mexico and there was a crab in the swimming pool?  That always makes me laugh.  Then, more recently, we went to Zions Canyon and gave you that new camera and saw you learn to take pictures and watched you see the world through new eyes. I thought you had discovered a new way to see the world from that point on and I was so proud of you.  Then, when you and I went to Bryce Canyon for your birthday and I saw adventure and joy in your manner as you hiked around and experienced the beauty of the area through the camera lens, I thought we were moving toward a great future for you.  As you and I brainstormed late into the night about the possibilities that could have been available to you with a career in photography, I was so excited that you wanted to do all of those amazing things.  I loved that you wanted to help other kids not make the same mistakes that you knew you had made and that you wanted to make a difference in the world. 

I will treasure those days that I had with you more than you will ever know and I tear up in my eyes and mind when I think about it.

I wish life could have continued in that direction for you.  I wish we would have had a chance to make some of those plans come to life.

But,right after that mother/son road trip, the beginning of the school year drew near with the conflicts and pressures that come with it.  Soon, you were right back to where you had been the year before at the beginning of the school year— uncooperative, angry, and unwilling to keep up with aiming for the positive like you had been just a few weeks before.

Now it is four years later and even though school isn’t the issue that comes between us, something else is.  You never have gotten over being angry and mad at us and the anger has just seemed to grow and grow. 

I don’t know when it will happen, but I hope someday, you will stop being mad at us for everything that has ever happened to you and that you will remember and feel the love that we have always had for you and will always have for  you.

I don’t know what you will be doing this year on your birthday, but I hope you can find some true enjoyment in the day and will somehow feel deep within you that your parents and your family members love you very much and want to wish you a Happy Birthday.

Love, 

Mom

Letter #6

Dear Tyler;

Yesterday your Dad and I were in Salt Lake and decided to go to Tucano’s for a late lunch.

The view from our table was of the area that we sat at when we took you there for your One Year Sober Celebration. 

It was one of your new favorite places to eat and we thought it would be a good place to celebrate this milestone with you. 

We had a pretty good time.   Your entire family was there for you.  Everyone congratulated you and told you how proud of you they were.  I gave you a scrapbook that meant a lot to me to create for you.  I hoped it would mean a lot to you, too. 

But, your reaction was very hard to read and I still have no idea what you thought about it at the time. 

As I remembered that day and the hope that we felt in showing you our love and support, I felt sad about where you are now.  On that special day, we all wanted you to be able to hold onto our belief in you as you continued onward and upward in maintaining your sobriety.

Now, I don’t know where you are at as far as being sober.  I know that you are court ordered to be clean at every random drug test and that you are also ordered to stay away from alcohol.  But, I don’t know if you have found a way to get around that order and still be able to smoke pot or do anything else.

I hope you are staying sober and that you will be able to see how good life can be that way.  I wish for something that will turn you around and make you want to be the great person that I know you can be.

But, I feel a lot of fear that you won’t, and that a reconciliation of our relationship will never happen. 

After lunch, we drove by an area that held a lot of the homeless population of Salt Lake.  It was very disheartening to see such a large group of people with nowhere to live or people who were just resigned to the fate of living on the streets. 

When I saw a young man with long black hair and black clothes kind of lying on the side of the street in a drug induced kind of stupor, I had to do a double take because at first I thought it was you.  I knew in my mind that it probably wasn’t because you haven’t been staying in Salt Lake lately, but my heart leaped into my stomach at the sight of that poor guy.  I didn’t want it to be you just as much as that young man’s mother most likely wouldn’t have wanted it to be her son.

I never thought you would be in the situation where you could easily be homeless at any moment like you were when you got out of jail in January.  It was heartbreaking to know that in the middle of the winter you had nowhere to go.  I still worry so much about your living situation and want so badly for you to be in a good, positive place.

Nobody wants their child to be homeless.  I didn’t want it to happen to you. 

I hate this situation so much.

I wish someone could help you see a better way and could help you realize that your parents never wanted life to be like this when you became an adult and that we still would do anything that we could to help you if we thought we could.    

I do love you for who you are--because I know who you are deep inside.  I have seen the real you and I wish I could see that person again.  I just can’t live with what you have been doing in the last few years and how you act toward me and your Dad.    

I really miss you and hope you are doing okay. 

Love,

Mom

Letter #5

Dear Tyler;

I went to the grocery store and bought two cans of olives, among other things.  When I got home, I immediately thought, “I will let Tyler have one of these.”  You see, I think about you a lot, even if it is because of the most random things, like olives. 

Some of the time, I realize that I haven’t thought about you for a few days since you are so distanced from us and have been “gone” for such a long time.   Sometimes thoughts of you make me very sad because I miss you so much.  I don’t think I miss the “you” that you are right now.   I know you will think it is because I can’t accept you for who you are, but it really is because I miss the happy, fun, joking, smart Tyler.   I don’t miss the angry, blaming, in-your-face person.  I definitely don’t miss the part where you make everything that happens to you my fault or my responsibility.  I don’t miss the phone calls where you say, “If you don’t do ‘this’ for me, then ‘this’ terrible thing is going to happen to me.”  I do not want to deal with the "if/then" scenarios again, that is for sure.

Even though I don’t like the fact that you have to appear in court and I don’t like going to the courthouse, when you do have a court appearance every few months, I am glad that I will be able to have a chance to see you.  We do go to the hearings so that we know what is going on with you and what is expected of you, but also, it is our only opportunity to be able to see you.

Every time I even get a glimpse of you, it seems like you have gotten older and harder looking than you were the last time I saw you.  You have changed so much. 

At your last appearance a few weeks ago,  I noticed that your hair was as long as mine.  It looks like you were finally able to dye it all black again.  I bet you are glad about that. 

It looked like you were able to get some different clothes and have gained some of the weight back that you lost while you were in jail.  I am glad about that.  It was hard to see how thin you were.  I didn’t like knowing that you were going hungry.

Now that your latest court appearance is over, I know that I will probably have to wait a few more months before I can see you again.  You may not think that is a big deal, but for me it is.   I don’t like this estrangement at all.

I just don’t see any way for it to end because I am not willing to be a victim of your verbal and mental abuse anymore.

Whenever I hear from your sister after she has talked to you, I get the feeling that you haven't done much in the way of growing or changing that would make reconciliation possible.   She’ll tell me about you being upset because your tax return hasn’t come yet and you are angry because it isn’t the amount that you thought it would be.  She will relate how you ranted and raved about wanting to beat up our tax accountant because he screwed up on your return.  In your mind, you should have gotten thousands of dollars back even though you had less than $500 total withheld.  And after I hear about your anger, I think, “Why isn’t he grateful that we even got his taxes done for him?  Does he realize that we had to pay $100.00 to get them done?  Does he not understand that HE could have done them himself if he had taken responsibility to track down his own W-2’s?  And since he didn't do that himself, it was pretty nice of us to have them done?  No, he just gets mad because he needs money and has to blame someone else for not having any.” 

Or, I will hear how your telephone bill hasn’t been paid yet and now you have lost job opportunities or your life has had some other kind of negative impact because of it.  Again, I think to myself, “If it was so important for him to make sure that his telephone bill got paid, then he should have gone into Walmart and paid it himself.”  You know, I don’t HAVE to pay your phone bill.  I only do it because I think it is important for a person to have a telephone to be able to maintain contact with important entities in their lives--like employers, and in your case, probation officers.  I am not required to pay your phone bill and it is not my responsibility.  So, it would be nice if you were thankful and appreciative instead of rude and demanding about it.

I just wish that you had learned by now that if you want people to do nice things for you, then you should be grateful for what they do.  And if you want people to help you out every now and then, you should be grateful to them and treat them with respect.  The part where you yell, rant, rave, swear, and call people names makes absolutely no sense! 

Recently, I was appalled at what your sister told me about one of your latest dilemma rages.  Everything that you ranted about was totally uncalled for.   And the fact that you called me and almost everyone else that you are related to, some pretty disgusting things didn’t make me want to do any more favors for you.  So, you shouldn’t have been all that surprised when your phone was disconnected. 

We all feel bad that you don’t have any sense of family when it comes to your relationship with all of us.  We seem to be just a “means to an end” for you.  Even after all this time, whatever you can get us to do, or whatever you can get from us--is about all that we mean to you.  And yet, we all want to have you in our lives.  We all miss you and love you.

Someday maybe you will come to the realization that you want to have us in your lives, too.  Not to meet your never-ending needs--but to love, hang out with, have fun with, talk with, go places with, and celebrate with. 

I hope for that day and until then, I hope for the best for you.

Love,

Mom

Letter # 4

Dear Tyler;

Some of your friends graduated from high school a couple of weeks ago.  I couldn’t help feeling just like I did last year when you should have graduated.  I was jealous of the ones who graduated and their families then, and I am still feeling the same way now. 

Maybe, now that they all have graduated, I can stop wishing that you had been able to do that too.  I really wanted that for you.   When you were five, excitedly entering kindergarten, I never imagined that my little boy wasn’t going to graduate from high school.  As the years went by, I looked forward to that day for you most of all because it would have been such an epic event.  Out of everyone that I have known, YOU would have been the one who had to work extra hard to make it and it would have been one of your greatest accomplishments.

And, if you had done that, I believe that it would have meant that you were continuing to do everything that you could to maintain your sobriety and you would have been moving forward toward a positive future.

Now the future has begun for Bridger.  A few days ago, he graduated from preschool.  It was emotional to watch him because he is growing up so fast and it doesn’t seem like he should be five years old already.  I felt the same way when you started kindergarten.  As my last child, I especially wanted you to stay little for awhile longer, too.     

You should have seen his graduation.  They put on a program where they sang some Broadway songs like, Singing in the Rain, and New York, New York.   It was so cute.  Then, the teachers gave each student an award.  Bridger got the “Greatest Thinker Award.”  They said he loves to figure out how to do things by himself.  It is true.  He puts together electrical circuits from some kits that Jereme buys for him.  He is truly amazing at it.  He can even put Lego sets together by himself that are meant for eight years old and above.   

He would have loved to have you at his graduation.  Trevor was there because we were watching him for a few days.  Bridger was so excited to have him come that he told his teachers and everyone at school that his “friend” Trevor was coming to the program.   I can’t imagine how over the moon he would have been if you had been coming.   He probably would have talked about it for days and days because he loves you so much.   We would have taken a picture of you two, together to commemorate the day and his love for his Uncle Tyler.

It was a happy night for all of us, celebrating this milestone in Bridger’s life.    

I hope, one day, we can all celebrate your achievements again, too.

Love,

Mom 

Letter #3

Dear Tyler;

We went to Camelot for Memorial Day.  Every member of our family was there—your siblings, their spouses, all four grandsons—except you.  I think you would have had fun, if you had been able to come.  Your nephews would have loved having you there.  They think you are awesome and you are so good with them when you are around them.  The two oldest ones have the most memories of you. They would have loved to play with you there and have you pass on the traditions of fun that were made when you were little. 

We have been going to Camelot all summer long ever since you were a baby.  I can still remember a picture of you taking a bath in the sink at Grandpa’s cabin when you were about 9 months old.  You loved it.

It was always fun for you when we went to Camelot when you were young.  You liked everything about it—playing in the river, tubing, fishing, catching snakes, riding ATV’s, playing on the slip ‘n slide, climbing the mountain, watching Sponge Bob in the cabin, shooting marshmallow guns, roasting hot dogs, and then burning a whole bag of marshmallows—one at a time, boating, going to the Green River to go rafting, and especially playing with your best friend and playmate, your big sister.

I think when she got older and couldn’t go to Camelot with us every time, you stopped liking it as much because it wasn’t the same without her. 

Soon after that you pulled away, got angry all the time, and started with the marijuana and everything else.    

Even knowing that we had to beg you and bribe you to get you to come to Camelot with us as you got older, I am glad that we did—just because now you can’t come and I wish you could.  At least we can remember those days when you were a laughing happy kid there.  There isn’t anything more important in life than family and we really have had some good family times at Camelot.  I hope someday you will come to that realization and maybe we can start making some new memories together.

As we were driving away at the end of our Memorial Day weekend, your dad said, “It was a really good weekend and would have even been greater, if we could have had a nice, happy Tyler with us.”  He missed you.

Every time we go there this summer, I’ll be thinking about you and missing you, too.

Love,

Mom

Letter #2

Dear Tyler;

A couple of days ago, I read an obituary that some parents posted about their son who died of a drug overdose.  The parents said, “We loved our son with all of our hearts, but we now know that it was not enough to shield him from the world.” 

I, too, love you with all of my heart, and yet I feel like the love that I have for you, is not enough to shield you from yourself as well as the influences of the world.   

The obituary made me decide to start writing letters to you because you are estranged from me and I just can’t bear the thought that one day, I might be in the same position as those parents and I will have to live with the fact that you don’t believe that I love you, care about you with every fiber of my being, and won’t know that my heart is broken because you are not in my life right now. 

In the obituary, the parents said, “The worry that we have felt watching our son struggle has been replaced by a deep feeling of loss that now exists, knowing we will never see his smiling face again.  Despite these troubles, we can smile knowing that the last communication we had with our son was a text and answer between mother and son to say, “I love you,” just as it should be.” 

I have felt a similar loss with you and I have seriously grieved over it. 

They got to tell their son that they loved him, but I can’t even text those words to you, right now.  I have no idea when I will ever be able to say that to you, again.

The obituary hit me hard because you threaten suicide all the time and I don't know if it will be an act that you go through with purposely or through an overdose.  I live in fear of the day that I might hear that terrible news.   Not one member of our family will be able to cope with losing you like that.  

We all feel as if we have already lost you, in a way, and have regrets and sadness because of it. None of us knows what it will take to have you come back.

The obituary ended with, “To all children, this note is a simple reminder that there are people who love you with everything they have and no matter what you do, don’t be too afraid/ashamed/scared, or  too anything, to ask for help.”

I wish you could believe it when your siblings or their spouses, your sponsor, your attorney, or even your probation officer tell you how much we care about you.   I hope a day comes when I can tell you myself and that you will believe it.  I can almost picture us hugging and crying and letting the past wash away through our tears.   Almost.

Just as it said in the obituary, everyone in our family would be willing to help you if you would let them and if you showed appreciation for their help.   

Please fight the things that drag you down.  Please work to rise above the negativty.   

And please come back to us.

Love,

Mom

Letters to Tyler

I should have started this 6 months ago, or over a year ago, or even 4 ½ years ago--because our life changed in such an unexpected way that long ago.

I actually did write him a letter when we put him in rehab.  It seems like such a long time ago, now.

But, I wish I had been writing letters to him all along.

Today’s letter would say:

Tyler,

It has been almost six months since I have really seen you or talked to you. 

I miss you.

I miss the real you that hides inside and has rarely come out in the last few years.  I miss your sense of humor, your intelligence, and your amazing spirit.

Remember when we went to Bryce Canyon?  I will always remember that trip.  We had some good talks, came up with so many good dreams and plans, took some amazing pictures, and had a lot of fun together.

It is one of my most favorite memories.

I thought everything was going to get better with you, your life, and your future from that point on.

I sure wish it would have.

I still hope it happens.

I love you so much and I wish you could know that.

I know you don’t believe it on the surface.

But, maybe deep in your heart, if I put it out there in the universe through these letters, you will feel it.

I am your mom.  I have always loved you.

And, I always will.